There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Randomize
