I accidentally had phone sex last night
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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