I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
