I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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