He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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