im about as happy as oj after his trial
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
