drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
