What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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