The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
