he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
