WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
