My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize