1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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