The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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