and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
