Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you didnt know i had herpes?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
