if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
