you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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