Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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