I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
