youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
