we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
