just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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