He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
