Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
