i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize