We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
