It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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