after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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