Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
