Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
