She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize