This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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