I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
