Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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