every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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