I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
