time to smoke my breakfast
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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