Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
