I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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