the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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