Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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