he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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