Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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