I'm really into asian looking animals
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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