So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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