That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
