it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
