So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
