textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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