oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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