Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
