I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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