Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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